


We'll Get Through This

by KFan3131



Category: ONEUS (Band), ONEWE (Band)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Dongju-Centric, How Do I Tag, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, mentions of bullying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:27:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23749906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KFan3131/pseuds/KFan3131
Summary: It’s all too much; the sounds of the tv in the living room with the Hyung’s talking, to the sound of the pure quietness (with only the voices in his head going around) in the bedroom. He feels like he is suffocating with every thought, noise, or movement and there is nowhere to escape.
Relationships: Son Dongju | Xion/Everyone, Son Dongju | Xion/Son Dongmyeong
Kudos: 65





	We'll Get Through This

**Author's Note:**

> So I did have this written but saw (and was pointed out ^.^) that there was an issue with the paragraph formatting so I am re-uploading this. For those who are new, there are mentions of depression, a panic attack, and self harm. If any of that triggers anybody I do suggest not reading this. I really like constructive criticism and comments so feel free to leave some. If anybody needs a place to rant or talk I am totally 100% listen and will delete any harmful or hateful comments. 
> 
> Though I do write about Dongju having anxiety and depression and self harming, I in no way want this to represent him. I do not want to and don't want anyone else to assume that he is fighting through this. What I am writing about here is my experience and the hate comments I mention in here are comments that have been said to me.

It’s all too much; the sounds of the tv in the living room with the Hyung’s talking, to the sound of the pure quietness (with only the voices in his head going around) in the bedroom. He feels like he is suffocating with every thought, noise, or movement and there is nowhere to escape. Stuck in his thoughts, Dongju thinks back to dinner and how it all went wrong.

Seoho had called him for dinner, but after walking in the kitchen and seeing the food, Dongju felt sick to his stomach. He had turned around hoping to escape back to his room with no one noticing, so that he didn’t accidentally snap. But luck never seemed to be with him.

_“Are you feeling okay?”_ Hwanwoong asked the dreaded question that Dongju was trying to avoid.

_“I’m fine Hyung.”_ Dongju replied through gritted teeth. All day there had been a constant feeling of anxiety, making it feel hard to breathe and move, like when you’re underwater in a pool and try to run. He was only a week away from being three months clean, but the urge to cut had never been so strong. He felt like there was this force trying to pull him to the bathroom to grab the one thing he was trying to avoid; the voices in his head were just making everything worse.

_“Are you sure Dongju-ah?”_ Hwanwoong insisted on asking. That was the final straw.

**_“I TOLD YOU I’M FINE HYUNG! WHY CAN’T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!”_** Dongju snapped back. No one had enough time to process what happened before Dongju ran back to his room. No one was even mad. There had been only one time that Dongju had snapped like that; three months ago, the day everyone found out.

None of the members remembered who but one of them had asked Dongju if he wanted a short sleeve shirt during practice and he had snapped; rolling up his sleeves to show all his scars plus fresh cuts, yelling at all of them about how much he hated himself, how he wanted to end it all but couldn’t because of them and the OneWe members, screaming about how he just wanted the pain to end. None of them cried, only had tears in their eyes, but all five of them gathered around their maknae, hugging him tightly while he let everything out.

Not knowing how he got there, Dongmyeong showed up and slightly pushed each of the members to the side to get to his twin brother. When he saw the sleeves, he immediately knew what happened and just gently led his brother to the floor. Looking at Youngjo, he told him to go get the manager and explain that Dongju wouldn’t be able to practice anymore and that he would come back to their dorm with them to explain what was going on. Once back at their home, Dongmyeong led his brother to his room, tucked him in his bed, then went out to the living room to explain exactly what happened.

He explained that his brother has been battling anxiety, depression, and self-harm since they were kids after being heavily physically and mentally bullied at school. Once Dongju woke up, he apologized to all the members and his brother for making them worry and bothering them. All six Hyungs immediately protested that he would never be a bother for them. With some coaxing, he sat himself on the couch between his brother and Seoho and had his sleeves rolled up again. But this time it was so Dongmyeong could show all the other members how to properly bandage the cuts in case of times when he couldn’t be there. After a couple hours and some dinner, Dongmyeong finally bid goodbye.

It has been three months since that day. And Dongju was the closest he’s been in a while to breaking. It was so mentally exhausting fighting the physical and mental battle he was going through that he didn’t know what else to do besides lay on his bed and stare at his wall. He knew if he went on his phone, he would only see the hate comments and that would fuel him more, but he couldn’t fall asleep with all the voices and thoughts pacing through his head. He felt so tired and worn down that he didn’t have enough energy to hold back the tears that were building in his eyes. After yelling at Hwanwoong, he started to run towards the bathroom, but he had a week left till three months and he really didn’t want to break the way he was going. He was doing so good until today.

He was breaking; and hard. He felt his breath catch and then the pressure that had been there since that morning was increasing tenfold. He was trying to breathe but couldn’t. He didn’t know how but he ended up in the bathroom on his knees, sobbing his heart out.

_**Why is Dongju even in the group?**_

_**How did that thing manage to make it in?** _

_**Maybe he could be helpful for once and just end it. Then at least he can be of some use far away.** _

_**You’re such a fuck up…** _

_**Literally stop burdening everyone and end yourself. You’ll be doing everyone a favor.** _

_**Why is that thing here?** _

_**He really needs to stop bothering his Hyungs.** _

He didn’t realize he wasn’t breathing until he felt something on his back and something in front of him. He could see blurs of shapes but couldn’t make out anything. There was black around his vision, but he could hear screaming. That spiked his senses up and he wondered who was screaming until he saw a mouth start to form on the shape in front of him. That shape was speaking to him, but he couldn’t make out any words. After whom knows how long he realized the thing behind him was a chest and that there was breath against his ear.

“Breathe Dongju. Hyung is here. Just breathe. Hyung will take care of you. I’ve got you; you’re safe. That voice is full of shit. That voice isn’t real. But Hyung is here and Hyung is real. I’ve got you. You’re safe. You can breathe. You’re safe; you’re okay. I’ve got you.” Dongmyeong’s voice filtered through to Dongju’s mind and Dongju felt his body try to take a breath but he just couldn’t.

He wanted to cry out that he was trying to breath, but his body wasn’t letting him. He was more aware now though and could tell that the person in front of him was holding a warm cloth and wiping away the sweat. There were also two people holding his hands and two people at his feet holding his ankles lightly. He could still hear Dongmyeong whispering in his ear and he was trying so hard to breathe but it was like his body didn’t know how anymore. He squeezed one of the people holding his hands twice remembering that’s his signal.

He’s going to guess that whoever he squeezed told his brother because after a second, he felt his body being moved and the person who was in front of him came to sit behind him. He didn’t know how much time passed but suddenly his mouth was opened, and he tasted the medicine from his nebulizer before feeling a burning in his chest. After whom knows how long his vision started completely coming back and the blackness that was surrounding his vision was going away, with the first person he saw being his brother; then came the feeling of needing to cough. He saw and felt everyone release the tension from their bodies.

Attacks always left him feeling extremely shaky and more exhausted than he already was. He saw Youngjo talking to Gunhak and (he swears he only blinked) suddenly he could feel himself being lifted onto Gunhak’s back. He was brought to Youngjo’s bed and laid down then tucked in.

“We’ll talk when you wake up. For now, get some sleep and I promise somebody will be here when you wake.” Seoho said as he tucked him under thecovers. All six Hyungs headed to the living room not knowing how to react to everything that had just happened in the past two hours. After recovering from the fact that Dongju had snapped at Hwanwoong, they heard thumping then the bathroom door slam shut. It took a second for them to realize that Dongju had just ran to the bathroom, and possibly locked himself in.

They immediately raced to the bathroom door, with Seoho in the front, hoping and praying to whatever is out there that it was unlocked. Keonhee stayed to the back of the group to call Dongmyeong and inform him on what is going on. Seoho didn’t realize he, and the rest of the group, had been holding a breath until they found the bathroom door to be unlocked. But once inside they felt their bodies tense up and it felt like all the breath had left their lungs.

Sat on the floor was Dongju holding a razor, not breathing, with tears harshly running down his face. The group was pushed out of the way as Dongmyeong came rushing into the bathroom, going to immediately hug his twin from behind and gently glide the razor from between his brother’s fingers. Seoho was the first to come out of his shock, going to sit in front of the youngest one he thought of as a brother. He assessed the boy, and besides the cuts on his fingers, he did not see any other cuts on the young boy’s body. Once he concluded that there would be no bandages needed, he grabbed a washcloth, ran it under the hottest water from the bathroom sink, and started to wipe away the sweat forming on Dongju, while following Dongmyeong’s lead and saying sweet nothings to the younger just trying to get him to come back to them.

Dongmyeong and Seoho were so focused on Dongju, they didn’t notice the other four start to move around him and holding whatever they could, just hoping that the youngest would feel them somehow, some way. Gunhak and Youngjo held onto to Dongju’s hands while Keonhee and Hwanwoong settled for resting their hands on his legs and ankles. None of them knew how long had passed, but suddenly Youngjo felt two squeezes on his hand. Not knowing what was going on he announced out loud what just happened. But immediate recognition passed through Dongmyeong’s face and he told Seoho to come hold his brother for him. Once in position, Dongmyeong sprang to his feet and ran to his brother’s room. He internally thanked whatever was out there that his brother’s nebulizer was in plain sight. After getting what was needed, he rushed back to the bathroom and went to start setting up immediately. Setting up the nebulizer only took about two minutes, but it felt like forever had passed before he was opening his brother’s mouth to insert the plastic piece and then pressed the power button for the machine. He replaced Seoho’s spot of sitting in front of his brother in order to help hold the tube up.

It was between 20 to 30 minutes later when Dongmyeong saw the glaze leaving his brother’s eyes and his eyes immediately focused onto Dongmyeong. It was another 20 to 30 minutes when they heard the wheezing, and everyone released all the built-up tension from waiting. Everyone could feel the boy shaking and got worried but Dongmyeong said that was just from the medicine. Once his last treatment was finished, they immediately saw just how exhausted he was. Youngjo asked Gunhak to please help get Dongju to his bed and that after he was tucked in, they would all sit in living room to wait and talk. Seoho was the last to leave the bed room, making sure to place a kiss on the younger’s forehead. Once they were all sat around each other, Keonhee turned to Dongmyeong.

“What do we do now? Is there anything we should get him or make him or any way to help him feel more comfortable? Do we just sit out here and wait, or should we take shifts on watching him or … just what do we do?” Keonhee, and all of them, wanted to help in any way possible, but with not having experienced this before none of them knew where to start.

“First we should make some hot tea and then put lots of sugar in it. There’s not a certain amount, just enough to make it very sweet. The tea will not only help his nerves when he wakes up, but it will also help our nerves and the shock we went through as well. None of our stomachs’ will be able to handle something heavy so soup is the best option to make. Dongju-ah will have a headache after waking up so have Tylenol ready for him to take with the tea. Sometimes after a bad attack and a neb treatment, Dongju asks for something sugary to help with his shakiness but we’ll have to wait until he wakes up to know if he’ll need something this time.

Another thing is that he gets extremely cuddly and even just somebody holding his pinky helps keep him calm. You should get lots of blankets and pillows ready because he is going to want to be with all of you tonight. The biggest thing is do not ask him anything tonight about what happened; that will just spiral him again. Sometimes he’ll just voluntarily talk about it, but most of the time he finds it embarrassing so it’s best to leave that conversation for tomorrow. Don’t corner him but make a set time for a meeting and tell him then. When the meeting does happen make sure he is sitting next to and holding onto someone. He will start crying but do not panic; that is completely normal. Whoever he is sitting next to needs to make sure that they are holding his hand. He won’t say that he’s feeling overwhelmed, but he will squeeze your hand twice.

He will want to stay quiet but continuously state that he is safe and that it is okay to speak. His mind will tell him that he is just burdening you guys but remind him of what he means to you guys and who he is to you. Make that a continuous thing not only now, with this, but even after this is ‘over’. He needs to know that you guys care about him and the small actions mean the most to him.”

The conversation continued for another 30 minutes, with everyone taking in everything Dongmyeong was saying. After finishing up, Dongmyeong and Gunhak were in charge of setting up the sleep area, Hwanwoong and Youngjo were in charge of making the soup, and Seoho was in charge of making the tea seeing as how Keonhee wanted to be with the youngest. Everything took about 20 minutes to make, so while the rest got the living room fully situated, Seoho went back to check on Keonhee and Dongju. He had to fight himself from not cooing once he opened the door and saw Keonhee asleep with Dongju resting between his arms and his head on Keonhee’s chest. After snapping a couple quick pictures, sending them to the group chat that they shared with OneWe, Seoho went to wake the younger two up. It was a tedious process seeing as how neither of them wanted to let go of each other, but with some coaxing they were both headed to the living room, with Keonhee carrying Dongju koala style.

Once in the living room, Dongju wouldn’t release himself from Keonhee until he smelt the tea. He was so out of it he didn’t even realize that the living room had been rearranged a little with pillows and blankets laid out everywhere. He turned around to see Hwanwoong in front of him, holding a small cup of hot tea and Tylenol. He was told that once he finished that cup, they would serve out dinner. He felt so tired that Hwanwoong had to hold the cup for him and help him. It took a bit of time for him to finish off that cup because of how hot it was, but once he did, he was praised, and a kiss was pressed lightly to his cheek.

During dinner he had switched from Keonhee to sit by his brother and Youngjo. Nobody mentioned anything about what had happened, and he could not be more grateful. There were jokes thrown between all seven of them, with Dongmyeong even spilling some tea on OneWe. The atmosphere was light and even after they had all finished eating, they continued to make conversations, joke around, and spill tea on one another. Nobody knew how much time passed, they didn’t care either. Dongju looked brighter, still tired but brighter none the less and everyone couldn’t be happier. He added into the jokes by telling them stories about his brother and Dongmyeong decided to do the same. They were all laughing when they heard a knock at the door so Youngjo got up, while still laughing, to go check it out. He opened to door to reveal Cya standing there.

“Is Dongmyeong-hyung still here? We were just wondering if he was going to stay the night or if I needed to collect him.” Youngjo yelled into the living room.

“DONGMYEONG-AH!! YOU ARE BEING PICKED UP; COME TO THE FRONT DOOR NOW!” Cya started laughing as he heard a sudden thump, from what he can only guess was Dongmyeong falling. Not even a minute later, Dongmyeong appeared at the front door smiling from ear to ear. He bid goodnight to Youngjo and then headed out with his youngest band member. As Youngjo walked back to living room, he wondered why it had gotten so quiet all of sudden, and as he walked in, he could see everyone huddled together watching whatever drama was on.

He plopped right down onto Dongju and started attacking him with kisses and tickles. Dongju tried to fight him off but he was laughing too hard and the group realized that they hadn’t heard his real laugh in forever and that they didn’t want to lose that again. He was smiling like a little kid as everyone started to join in and attack him with kisses and hugs. In this moment time seemed to not exist and everyone was fine with that. After what felt like forever, everyone decided to roll off each other, but still hang on to one another. Youngjo decided then to tell everyone that he had gotten them at least three days off for a break that everyone needed. Everyone relaxed even further at that.

Dongju knew that they were all going to talk tomorrow, which he didn’t really want to, but he knows he needed to. For now, he would just soak up the warmth that was in the air and enjoy it without the feeling of guilt or anxiety. Looking around the living room, he could not be more grateful that he got stuck with these hyungs. For now, he was okay with being sandwiched between them. He felt content and loved and at ease and pure happiness. He didn’t feel the need to run and hide or snap at anyone or curl up in a ball to cry; he was okay right where he was.

He knew that the anxiety was going to come back. He knew that his depression would hit again, and he would fall. But this time he had hands reaching down the mountain to help him hold himself up while he climbed. There was mud here and there which made it extremely slippery, but the hands never left or lost there strength once. They continuously held him while he pulled himself up. He sometimes fell so far that he just wanted to give up and yell, but those hands always helped him right back up. Though he could not see where the top was, he knew that each step he took got him closer to it and that was one step farther away from the bottom which was his goal.

He knew that for right now things were okay, but there would be relapses. He knew that he would fall, but the only way to go from a fall is up. He knew that everything was going to be hard and that it wasn’t going to be okay. He was going to struggle; he was going to snap; he was going to break multiple times. But that didn’t mean that his hyungs wouldn’t help him out of any of that. He knew they were going to be by his side no matter what the noises in his head would whisper. There was no happy ending to this because there is no happy ending to life, but if he can at least be content with all his hyungs, he was okay with that.


End file.
